Beaches and Balloon Knots

  I was head-butted at a Halloween party last year. For no reason, out of nowhere, by a crazy person. Totally random. It was the most trouble I've ever caused at a party. For an asshole, I'm impressively easy to get along with. I'm proud of that, because I'm a girl, and most girls are bitches. Asshole, bitch, what's the difference, you ask? Composure, mostly. Bitches flip out. They engage themselves in conflict, strike strait for the eyes, and any blow towards them lands square in their honor-holes. They're a passionate, yet mysterious species, which can be provoked at any time, by anyone, without warning. Assholes, on the other hand, can chose not to be assholes at their own free will. An asshole isn't born, it is made. Winking beings of self satisfaction, and inner pleasures. If you were to try to piss off an asshole, your results would likely be a waste. They just don't give a crap, they'd rather not strain themselves. 

  I'm mellow as hell. Stress is for lame-tards. Viciousness is for the passionate, and I find strong feelings discomforting. I can argue without fighting, and fight without blowing steam. It's great for my blood pressure. 

  Anyway.. I was brutally assaulted by a serial head-butter. Not just me. I was the last of many victims. Kind, innocent, intoxicated folks, all lost to the nightmare of All Hallows' Eve. I was unaware of the horrors inside, for I was outside at the moment, unaware. Perhaps the moon broke through the clouds, and streaks of moon dust pierced the house, for what once was human turned to ill, a beast of stupid  drooling swill, bipolered into fits of butts, no soul that witnessed lived unstruck, it ripped the kitchen limb from limb, then pivoted into the wind, that led it out the door, to me, to my forehead.. that s.o.b. That's the kind of trouble that I get myself into. Wrong place, wrong time, caught in the line of fire. Like an elbow to the face when some guy tries to punch another guy in a crowd, or a chance slice from a chainsaw in a pitch black room at a haunted house. If I was a bitch, these things might be my fault, but I'm not, they were accidents. 

  I don't believe in haters. Not everyone who likes me is my lover. Everyone has an opinion, and they all stink. Assholes and bitches are equally good people. I believe they'll both go to heaven just the same, whether they worship satan or not. I chose to be an asshole because it's funny and feels good, and doubles as a social crutch. If you've never been hanged, you've never been hated. Life's a beach, bitch. Don't be so hard on yourself. 

  Anger is gross. It's worse than an o-face. It's one way or the other for some people, always high or low. An exhilarating lifestyle filled with infinite emergencies and celebrations. Extravagance! 

  Bitches need to know. As an asshole, I've learned that everything comes out in time, as nature has intended. A gentle push is more beneficial than forcing aneurisms. If a bomb is destined to drop, why race it to the battlefield? It might splash back in your face. 

  Assholes and bitches do although share the same stubbornness of honor. Assholes are so full of themselves that they require no one's respect but their own. Bitches are so full of themselves that they feel entitled to the respect of everyone. Assholes transcend judgement, while bitches are living a lie. 

  What do I do when I'm head-butted? Nothing really. The maniac anally raped itself, and was wheeled away by a nurse, back to the home. The villagers rejoiced, and the festivities recommenced. Had I gotten upset about it, my night would have been ruined. I still felt like an asshole during that brief moment of aroused concern for my safety. The world held it's breath as I said, "ow". In that very same moment I wasn't a bitch. I'm better off for such challenges of my character. The maniac is gay now. Nobody could be happier.  

  Let's ring in the holiday season with butts, and sing like nobody's bitching! May every balloon have a beautiful knot, and every crotch be fishy! May every dream you dream be dry, and every cream be clumpy. For fall has fallen, winter's nigh, and demons are for dummies! 

  Happy Halloween, everybody! Hold your diaries tight!